Way in the back the queue takes a turn, goes on for another 150ft, and is then split up into four queues that lead up to some grumpy, old men checking boarding passes. After that the four queues reunite, and then it’s off to the security check—snail style. Photo taken from the “90 minutes to go” spot (no, no sign there, but that’s what it took me).

Also, I have never experienced any problems with two pieces of handluggage (this being my backpack as the actual handluggage, and my notebook’s bag as a necessary evil). In England, it seems to be you choice: one or the other. Which is a real treat if you carry around a small backpack, and the large MacBook Pro. Security in Amsterdam, Portland and Chicago didn’t care about that when I went to the States last december, but when I checked in for my flight from London back to Germany on thursday, the lady behind the desk was like: “You can try fitting your laptop in your backpack, but with two bags, security will send you right back here. See you in a minute.” It would have been 90 of those, and my plane would have left without me.

Fine, I’ll have my MacBook checked in then, please. Idiots. No, of course I didn’t do that. I managed to stuff my backpack with it. I still don’t know how that worked.

And liquids? I shouldn’t even go there. Most ridiculous thing ever. Once you pass security, there’s a sign stating that all the liquids you can buy in the “secure” area are allowed on the planes. Oh, THANKS! It’s just a measure to make you spend money—that’s all there is to it.

The point is this: take “important security measures” all you like, you’re still about as safe as if you were lying on the rails of the London underground, no matter where you go. I didn’t even take my belt off when I went through the screening, and my belt has a huge metal buckle. No reaction. Beyond pathetic.

How nice to have things off the chest. I’ll close this with the immortal, yet slightly altered dialogue between Avi and a random US customs officer from the movie Snatch:

“Anything to declare?”
“Yeah, don’t fly out of England.”